Why Chicago lost the Olympics

10. The translator mispronounced Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher's last name as "her locker". The IOC thought Chicago planned to discriminate against male athletes who planned to participate in the games.

9. Brazil has a tradition of international winning soccer teams. Chicago has the Cubs.

8. Rio prepares its meats churassco style. Chicago serves sausage.

7. Chicago has huge, impressive, well-built structures.

6. But so does Rio...

5. Oprah's production company is an anagram of her name, Harpo. But Jacques Rogge, the president of the IOC, is partial to Groucho. Whoops.

4. Rio has the inspiring Jesus statue overlooking the city.

3. Chicago could only offer Touchdown Jesus at Notre Dame 2 hours away. Chicago could only offer Barack Obama campaign posters as a symbol of the deity it worships.

2. The IOC recognized a city doesn't deserve the Olympics when it and NASCAR collaborate to make folks believe Joliet is "Chicagoland" when its 40 miles away.

and the top reason why Chicago lost the Olympics...

1. The members of the committee heard TMC was planning a visit to Chicago. They figured any city that lowers its standards enough to allow me to visit in 2009 isn't deserving of the world's attention in 2016.

But Chicago - keep your chin up and wear the rejection proudly. I appreciate your letting me visit. And I promise I'll leave town having put more net profits into the city and state coffers than the overwhelming costs you would have incurred hosting the games.

TMC